*Reminder: Sexual behavior is not always about sexual desire- it is about arousal.
Slow it down because couples don’t tend to get aroused at the same rate or have the same sex drive.
Can you do non-sexual, but bonding activities? Can you get each other relaxed? Can you still cuddle and kiss and rub backs without intercourse?
Build your capacity for emotional connection. How? Clarify, read between the lines and check your assumptions, validate the other person, validate yourself and be able to tolerate intense emotions. Once you have the connection, follow the connection and let it flow…
Sociologist Constance Gager has conducted studies- found that sharing chores actually helps couples stay connected. Her study showed that, on average, the more housework men do, the more sex they have. It affects how much energy the woman had overall for everything. If she is exhausted, your likelihood of being physically intimate is less.
They also are more likely to feel respected if the man is sharing the chores than expecting her to do the chores and then have sex. (Many women see sex as a reward for the guy but not something they do for their own pleasure. “I let him have sex with me,” is something I hear in my office. Yes, I cringe.
She is clearly not doing it for herself and I wonder if that comes through. Many men do not know that this happens. If this is happening, have a conversation and see if it can be win-win. As women grow more mature, they are more likely to want something for themselves from sex and have a better idea of what they prefer. Just talk about it.)
Passion for women- Men and women do some things differently. Not better or worse, just different. Schnarch suggests that women often progress from
- just “doing it” to
- “doing it” without anxiety- to
- relax and feel your way through it- to
- move in new and unfamiliar ways
(Schnarch- Passionate Marriage)
Reminder: Communication is no assurance of intimacy -if you cannot stand the message. How you say it is almost always more important than the message itself.
Exercise for sexual communication:
Can you imagine being more sexually open with your preferences with your partner? Each book on tantra suggests involving the entire body, the five senses and moving from one region to the next to keep the body awake and aware. Why not try going from a secondary to a primary to a tertiary and then make another round a few times. The idea is to increase the level of excitement and keep building the energy so that there is enough energy to transcend.
Try kissing and touching/caressing and licking etc, not just on the nipples, breasts and genitals. Learn your partner and ask them what they like, explore the body and what feels good and pleasurable. Get to know yourself and your partner and be responsive to their breathing, their sounds, their words and touch.
Instead of focusing just on the nipples, breasts and genital, try the secondary and tertiary regions of their body. Talk about it before, during and after, but don’t talk too much. Each couple defines “talk too much” differently. Remember, you want your partner to know how to give you pleasure, if you like pleasure.
Ask about kissing the neck (where on the neck feels good and how) or earlobes. Talk about the base of the back, the upper and inner thighs and where the buttocks meet the legs, ask about caressing and tickling.
Once there is a high enough level of arousal, the center of the palm can be quite pleasurable, as can the naval, the outer surface of the pinky. Again, wait for the arousal to be high enough, gently bit the tip of the nose or kiss the nasal openings (not inside). The opening of the ear, the sole of the foot are often missed, as are the big toe and the thumb, but in ancient times, these spots were revered for their connection to bringing people to higher levels.
Sucking the other person’s thumb while they are pleasuring you completes an electric circuit. There are multiple reports of reaching orgasm while the man sucks her big toe. The back side of the knee, above the calf is another region that is often forgotten when there is high arousal. The idea is to have the entire body involved and then transcend the body. Again, please talk about what is okay and acceptable and desirable before springing it on your partner. They might react strongly (negatively) if you bring something that is new to your repertoire and they might not like the particular sensation or the thought of it.
The anus (use plenty of lube) is definitely an area to talk about before exploring. Some people are absolutely against it because of homophobia, while others swear by it and there are articles about the inner prostate massage (not covered here).
Again, talk about it before, during and then after. Sometimes things that appeared enjoyable were not or things that seemed to not matter during helped set the stage for later love making. Please talk about these things and watch how it brings you closer as you become more self aware.