Gillette Attachment Workbook for Couples
Healing disorganized attachment
You might want to work with a therapist who has training and experience with trauma and attachment.
The therapist can help provide a safe and appropriately boundaried relationship.
Your early relationships may not have given you the opportunity to relax, and to thrive.
When your early relationships feel unstable or unsafe - you don’t always develop a sense of self-worth, especially within a relationship.
When relationships are healthy and balanced, we receive feedback and messages from others that we are worthy of love and connection.
Part of the healing process will be learning how to communicate your experiences and sharing them openly with warm people caring people.
This reduces shame and you get support to reclaim your personal power.
we want you to understand the impact of difficult early relationships on your self-worth. You will focus on updating the narrative of your life experiences.
You may not have felt loved or safe in the past, but you can feel that in the present and in the future.
Orient yourself to the current experience, and this creates clarity. You will recognize your inherent worth and ability to heal when you are oriented to the current experience.
Pay attention to what brings you back to a state of calm and regulation.
Some people find that it’s a warm cup of tea, the scent of the leaves in the air, the sounds of a song, some reminder of a safe and comfortable experience for the presence of a particular person.
What are some beliefs that you have about yourself that were developed when you were younger, but are not applicable now?
What is true now?
Practice replacing the old thought With something that feels true to you now.
*There’s no need to rush or do it all at once. Some people feel flooded or overwhelmed. You may need to take a step back from the practice and Relax yourself or soothe.
Part 2
The goal is to be intentional with your communication. **
When you’re sharing with your partner, can you share what’s happening for you or what you want your partner to d?
that way they can understand you much more easily.
Some people start sharing when they feel emotionally activated, and you’re unlikely to feel understood by your partner at this point.
As you develop your skills to sooth yourself, and to communicate effectively, you will feel less frustrated and you will miscommunicate less, and there will be less communication that goes poorly.
You’ll feel more emotionally regulated and less overwhelmed.
Your stance, posture, eye contact and facial expressions, impact how you are perceived by your partner.
Many people are unaware of their nonverbal cues.
You may feel more comfortable with your arms crossed over your chest, or turned away from your partner, you may prefer sitting very close and making direct eye contact.
You have an opportunity to explore what feels best for you and what feels best for them. Tell your partner what you like and what they like.
Please notice and regulate your own emotions so that you can understand and respond appropriately to the emotions of your partner. This is called emotional intelligence.
This helps form a solid connection with other people.*
You can choose your responses better and be mindful about how you proceed in an interaction with others if you can tune in.
When your partner is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you can realize that this is probably not the best time to have a conversation about the status of the relationship.
If your partner needs more emotional connection, You can work to meet those needs rather than spend time out with friends.
You can talk about what you need and what your partner needs. You can learn more and have more emotional intelligence as time goes on.
This is not changing who you are or changing the other person, it is getting more information and learning about yourself.
Sometimes our feelings tell us that we have to act immediately instead of sitting with the feelings and thinking through how our behavior will affect another person.
Do you want to foster a sense of trust and safety and flexibility in your relationship?***
That’s the ultimate goal.
When you’re doing something that’s not working, how can your shift your behavior to be more in alignment with what you want?
You are creating new ways of relating to yourself and others. *
Consider listening to Mark Groves Podcast, where he explores the themes of developing connection, being radically honest in your healing, thriving in relationships.
Healing disorganized attachment
You might want to work with a therapist who has training and experience with trauma and attachment.
The therapist can help provide a safe and appropriately boundaried relationship.
Your early relationships may not have given you the opportunity to relax, and to thrive.
When your early relationships feel unstable or unsafe - you don’t always develop a sense of self-worth, especially within a relationship.
When relationships are healthy and balanced, we receive feedback and messages from others that we are worthy of love and connection.
Part of the healing process will be learning how to communicate your experiences and sharing them openly with warm people caring people.
This reduces shame and you get support to reclaim your personal power.
we want you to understand the impact of difficult early relationships on your self-worth. You will focus on updating the narrative of your life experiences.
You may not have felt loved or safe in the past, but you can feel that in the present and in the future.
Orient yourself to the current experience, and this creates clarity. You will recognize your inherent worth and ability to heal when you are oriented to the current experience.
Pay attention to what brings you back to a state of calm and regulation.
Some people find that it’s a warm cup of tea, the scent of the leaves in the air, the sounds of a song, some reminder of a safe and comfortable experience for the presence of a particular person.
What are some beliefs that you have about yourself that were developed when you were younger, but are not applicable now?
What is true now?
Practice replacing the old thought With something that feels true to you now.
*There’s no need to rush or do it all at once. Some people feel flooded or overwhelmed. You may need to take a step back from the practice and Relax yourself or soothe.
Part 2
The goal is to be intentional with your communication. **
When you’re sharing with your partner, can you share what’s happening for you or what you want your partner to d?
that way they can understand you much more easily.
Some people start sharing when they feel emotionally activated, and you’re unlikely to feel understood by your partner at this point.
As you develop your skills to sooth yourself, and to communicate effectively, you will feel less frustrated and you will miscommunicate less, and there will be less communication that goes poorly.
You’ll feel more emotionally regulated and less overwhelmed.
Your stance, posture, eye contact and facial expressions, impact how you are perceived by your partner.
Many people are unaware of their nonverbal cues.
You may feel more comfortable with your arms crossed over your chest, or turned away from your partner, you may prefer sitting very close and making direct eye contact.
You have an opportunity to explore what feels best for you and what feels best for them. Tell your partner what you like and what they like.
Please notice and regulate your own emotions so that you can understand and respond appropriately to the emotions of your partner. This is called emotional intelligence.
This helps form a solid connection with other people.*
You can choose your responses better and be mindful about how you proceed in an interaction with others if you can tune in.
When your partner is feeling stressed and overwhelmed, you can realize that this is probably not the best time to have a conversation about the status of the relationship.
If your partner needs more emotional connection, You can work to meet those needs rather than spend time out with friends.
You can talk about what you need and what your partner needs. You can learn more and have more emotional intelligence as time goes on.
This is not changing who you are or changing the other person, it is getting more information and learning about yourself.
Sometimes our feelings tell us that we have to act immediately instead of sitting with the feelings and thinking through how our behavior will affect another person.
Do you want to foster a sense of trust and safety and flexibility in your relationship?***
That’s the ultimate goal.
When you’re doing something that’s not working, how can your shift your behavior to be more in alignment with what you want?
You are creating new ways of relating to yourself and others. *
Consider listening to Mark Groves Podcast, where he explores the themes of developing connection, being radically honest in your healing, thriving in relationships.
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