She writes about all the different possible combinations for relationships, and I highly recommend reading the book.
Healing anxious attachment
People with anxious attachment will benefit most from learning how to notice and tolerate feelings that arise in relationships, communicate those feelings effectively, and develop skills to feel more confident in calming the nervous system and feeling safe in relationships with others.
Self-soothing techniques are particularly helpful for this style.
People with this style do not have to learn to manage all their feelings on their own, but confidence in being able to tolerate the more challenging ones will allow the anxious partner to experience a deeper sense of trust in themselves and their relational connection.
in the past emotions have been strong signals that there’s something wrong in the relationship and they’ve learned that they need to act to be sure that their needs are met.
Healing involves sitting with those feelings and witnessing them passing instead of acting.
Self-soothing can help move from depending solely on the partner to regulate their emotions, to feeling more capable of doing so by their self with feeling balanced.
It includes pausing, moving slowly, and developing awareness about immediate reactions and practicing responsiveness instead of reaction.
Notice the sensations in the body and the thoughts that arise. You can observe before you choose to respond. Meditation, deep, breathing, and body scans are especially effective.
Notice a desire, or tendency to want to bring challenging emotions to your partner as soon as they arise.*
Observe your feelings, be present with them and ground yourself. Notice your internal experience. Read it slowly and identify the sensations and emotions that arise. What do you notice if you slow down instead of reacting immediately?*
Allow yourself some time to identify what you may need on a deeper level instead of engaging in your old pattern.
Healing avoidant attachment
Begin to develop a sense of safe interdependence with and reliance on others.
The avoidant style learned that relationships were not a safe place to express emotions.
It takes time and patience for the avoidant person and their partner to learn this.
How they experience relationships will likely change their worldview dramatically.
Identify the ways that you feel safer when you’re emotionally disconnected. How might being more emotionally connected shift your relationships and your experience of the world?
Why is it worth becoming more comfortable with connection?
What would you have in your life that you don’t have right now?
Now that you have more knowledge about this style, you’ll be better able to explore the possibilities for your life and relationships. Become more present and aware of your own emotions and emotions of others.
Tap in to the subtle sensations in your body.
Learn more about how you experience emotion, and stay present rather than pushing them down or pushing them away.
It’s not going to always feel good and you might have some grief or mourning. You might feel sad about not having experienced your emotional world at an earlier point in your life.
Once you are more connected and attuned, you can realize how many of your experiences have been shaped by your old pattern of checking out or shutting down.
If you have a feelings list, notice and practice spending time, just a little bit more time, with each of the more challenging feelings when they arise. Don’t have a list?
You can Google “feelings list”
You protect yourself from the negative feelings which also keeps you from experiencing positive, connected emotions and experiences.
How do you keep yourself from being loved and feeling love yourself?
Do you push away opportunities to feel loved?