Stan Tatkin wrote a book called Wired for Love
Below are some parts of the book I think you might appreciate. Better yet, buy the book…
Chapter 1
Mutuality before autonomy
We come before I
The relationship is a source of refuge, a sanctuary, not a hot zone
I’m safe with you
I trust you
Otherwise, honestly, what is the benefit of coupling?
There’s simply too much stress involved that there needs to be a tradeoff for that stress, some benefits that make it worth the sacrifices.
Think about the Nash equilibrium- this is one place where my needs are honored and they matter. You will look after my highest good and I will do the same. We will search for the highest win-win and when that’s not possible, I will sacrifice for you and you will sacrifice for me.
I am your advocate and ally against all hostile forces.
We will create a safe place in which to relax and feel accepted, wanted, protected, and cared for.
I will look out for you and you will look out for me.
We’ll both look out for ourselves additionally.
I want you to feel important and seen and heard and understood. I want you to feel important and protected.
Imagine hearing all of the above sentiments from your partner. How might you feel about your partner and your couplehood and yourself?
Below are some parts of the book I think you might appreciate. Better yet, buy the book…
Chapter 1
Mutuality before autonomy
We come before I
The relationship is a source of refuge, a sanctuary, not a hot zone
I’m safe with you
I trust you
Otherwise, honestly, what is the benefit of coupling?
There’s simply too much stress involved that there needs to be a tradeoff for that stress, some benefits that make it worth the sacrifices.
Think about the Nash equilibrium- this is one place where my needs are honored and they matter. You will look after my highest good and I will do the same. We will search for the highest win-win and when that’s not possible, I will sacrifice for you and you will sacrifice for me.
I am your advocate and ally against all hostile forces.
We will create a safe place in which to relax and feel accepted, wanted, protected, and cared for.
I will look out for you and you will look out for me.
We’ll both look out for ourselves additionally.
I want you to feel important and seen and heard and understood. I want you to feel important and protected.
Imagine hearing all of the above sentiments from your partner. How might you feel about your partner and your couplehood and yourself?
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