Below are some parts of the book I think you might appreciate. Better yet, buy the book…
Mutuality before autonomy
We come before I
The relationship is a source of refuge, a sanctuary, not a hot zone
I’m safe with you
I trust you
Otherwise, honestly, what is the benefit of coupling?
There’s simply too much stress involved that there needs to be a tradeoff for that stress, some benefits that make it worth the sacrifices.
Think about the Nash equilibrium- this is one place where my needs are honored and they matter. You will look after my highest good and I will do the same. We will search for the highest win-win and when that’s not possible, I will sacrifice for you and you will sacrifice for me.
I am your advocate and ally against all hostile forces.
We will create a safe place in which to relax and feel accepted, wanted, protected, and cared for.
I will look out for you and you will look out for me.
We’ll both look out for ourselves additionally.
I want you to feel important and seen and heard and understood. I want you to feel important and protected.
Imagine hearing all of the above sentiments from your partner. How might you feel about your partner and your couplehood and yourself?