“My knee hurts.”
Do you listen first and understand?
or
Do you assume that you understand what they are saying and what they need without them elaborating?
Did you jump to conclusions?
Did you skip the important step of understanding and go right to fixing mode?
Did you blame them for having pain? How do you feel when your partner has pain? Pay attention to your role and reaction.
Would it be different if, when in pain, they said, “You hurt my knee.”?
Does their expression of their pain determine your response or do you determine your response?
Is your response contingent on the context? Probably yes, if you felt accused. Okay, so if you felt accused, can you listen still or do you need to make it about you right away? Can you tolerate your feelings long enough to wait your turn or do you need to interrupt the process and get your needs met first? Be honest with yourself and your partner.
Sometimes, you will struggle being the listener and need to talk first. Talk it through.
Are you able to go into full empathy right now?
If not, take a break and come back to it.
For physical pain, especially an injury, we might respond differently. Some people respond in ways that are healthy and stack the deck for success.
Ask your partner what they would want you to say or do if they said, “My knee hurts.” Try saying what they suggested and then do a feedback loop.
You requested that I say “X” when you say that your knee hurts. At least that is what I heard you say, maybe I did not hear correctly or maybe I misinterpreted. Did what I said help the situation? Is there anything I could change about what I said to help you feel understood and nurtured?” Keep improving it until you have a system that works for both of you.
If it is that direct with physical pain, imagine two categories of emotional pain.
Notice how they feel different. The first one is often easier to validate and clarify. It is less likely to kick up emotions in the person listening.
I can listen better when you are angry at anyone other than me. Does that hold true for you?
Talk about your reply and whether or not it is what your partner needed.
Do the same for number 2.
Not sure what might help?
Try these, especially for number 2:
“I get that it hurt and it makes sense to me. Your pain matters to me. “(notice no admission of guilt, you don’t have to agree with their perception or point of view, there is not yet an apology or fixing- that would be premature at this point because you are trying to understand it before you take action. That way it is not about you, it is about the person in pain. Once they feel understood, then you try fixing, if they want it.)
“I am sorry that you are hurting. Do you want me to listen or solve it?”
“That sucks. I am sorry that you are in pain.”
“Can you tell me more about that? What happened? Let me go into listener role so that I can understand. Is that okay?” (When you are the listener, make sure to listen for the emotions, not just the story or details.)
“Even if we disagree on the specifics, what is important is our relationship. Let me go into the listener role so that I can understand where you are coming from. Does that work for you?” (Or you can fight them because they said the wrong word or they misunderstood something. My suggestion would be to wait your turn and you may find that it is already resolved by then. Learn to sit with your own emotions and this is a much easier process.)
“Ooof. That sounds like it hurts. How can I help?” (Again, you are turning toward their pain, not dismissing it and assuming that you will be their partner in addressing it. The important point is that here is a person in pain and the pain is the focus.)
“Let’s face this together. We are not enemies or opponents and your pain matters to me. Let’s take care of this because I do not want to hurt you. I also don’t want to make this about me. Shall I be the listener and you can tell me your perspective?” (Communicate that we are in this situation together and we will face it together and I want to be there for you. You can rely on me and your feelings are important to me.)
I would even prompt you to do this when you do not have a fight. Ask your partner what wording they think they might like, so that you can practice it and then when life hits, you can see if it worked. If not, look for a better alternative for next time. You can predict a next time, so let’s prepare for it.
Do you listen first and understand?
or
Do you assume that you understand what they are saying and what they need without them elaborating?
Did you jump to conclusions?
Did you skip the important step of understanding and go right to fixing mode?
Did you blame them for having pain? How do you feel when your partner has pain? Pay attention to your role and reaction.
Would it be different if, when in pain, they said, “You hurt my knee.”?
Does their expression of their pain determine your response or do you determine your response?
Is your response contingent on the context? Probably yes, if you felt accused. Okay, so if you felt accused, can you listen still or do you need to make it about you right away? Can you tolerate your feelings long enough to wait your turn or do you need to interrupt the process and get your needs met first? Be honest with yourself and your partner.
Sometimes, you will struggle being the listener and need to talk first. Talk it through.
Are you able to go into full empathy right now?
If not, take a break and come back to it.
For physical pain, especially an injury, we might respond differently. Some people respond in ways that are healthy and stack the deck for success.
Ask your partner what they would want you to say or do if they said, “My knee hurts.” Try saying what they suggested and then do a feedback loop.
You requested that I say “X” when you say that your knee hurts. At least that is what I heard you say, maybe I did not hear correctly or maybe I misinterpreted. Did what I said help the situation? Is there anything I could change about what I said to help you feel understood and nurtured?” Keep improving it until you have a system that works for both of you.
If it is that direct with physical pain, imagine two categories of emotional pain.
- “When the boss said x, I felt hurt.”
- “I feel hurt when you say x”
Notice how they feel different. The first one is often easier to validate and clarify. It is less likely to kick up emotions in the person listening.
I can listen better when you are angry at anyone other than me. Does that hold true for you?
Talk about your reply and whether or not it is what your partner needed.
Do the same for number 2.
Not sure what might help?
Try these, especially for number 2:
“I get that it hurt and it makes sense to me. Your pain matters to me. “(notice no admission of guilt, you don’t have to agree with their perception or point of view, there is not yet an apology or fixing- that would be premature at this point because you are trying to understand it before you take action. That way it is not about you, it is about the person in pain. Once they feel understood, then you try fixing, if they want it.)
“I am sorry that you are hurting. Do you want me to listen or solve it?”
“That sucks. I am sorry that you are in pain.”
“Can you tell me more about that? What happened? Let me go into listener role so that I can understand. Is that okay?” (When you are the listener, make sure to listen for the emotions, not just the story or details.)
“Even if we disagree on the specifics, what is important is our relationship. Let me go into the listener role so that I can understand where you are coming from. Does that work for you?” (Or you can fight them because they said the wrong word or they misunderstood something. My suggestion would be to wait your turn and you may find that it is already resolved by then. Learn to sit with your own emotions and this is a much easier process.)
“Ooof. That sounds like it hurts. How can I help?” (Again, you are turning toward their pain, not dismissing it and assuming that you will be their partner in addressing it. The important point is that here is a person in pain and the pain is the focus.)
“Let’s face this together. We are not enemies or opponents and your pain matters to me. Let’s take care of this because I do not want to hurt you. I also don’t want to make this about me. Shall I be the listener and you can tell me your perspective?” (Communicate that we are in this situation together and we will face it together and I want to be there for you. You can rely on me and your feelings are important to me.)
I would even prompt you to do this when you do not have a fight. Ask your partner what wording they think they might like, so that you can practice it and then when life hits, you can see if it worked. If not, look for a better alternative for next time. You can predict a next time, so let’s prepare for it.
RSS Feed
