Boice Counseling
  • Home
  • Retreats and Books
    • Books and Audio
    • Helpful Resources
    • Insurance/Costs
  • Services
  • News/Blog
  • Contact Us

How Hard Are You Trying?

3/23/2015

0 Comments

 
I really enjoy sex, talking about it, thinking about it, connecting etc. I read a ton about it and how to do it better- not just the techniques but the emotional part, as well. I work out regularly and keep my body in good condition.

This is a wonderful way to connect for me.

My problem is that my partner seems to care less. My partner refuses to talk about it, plan it and then when it happens, it is “less than ideal.”

There are times that I have considered myself really shallow for wanting to just get up and leave when we are done. It is like we are strangers, not interested in connecting, not interested in getting to know one another better in this way, not valuing intimacy (getting to know one another) and it grosses me out.

Several times after we have finished, I have privately said to myself –“this is the last time.” I feel like I am selling out. I deserve decent touch, decent kissing and decent sex and I have gently, tactfully suggested we read books together or go to websites (not porn) to improve our sex life. The reply is that everything is fine. We argue because I think my partner gets the benefit of all my work and I have to put up with substandard.

“Why do I have to beg for mediocre, middle age sex?”

As you can imagine, this is dicey. How do you tell someone that you would like to improve your sex life without offending them?

How do you hear this and not immediately try to improve?

Do you owe this to your spouse/partner?

Is this part of the agreement or are you allowed to simply withdraw and withhold this because your feelings got hurt?

At what point do we address the real issue here?

Selfishness and lack of reciprocity kill so many relationships. Open up to the other person and their feedback. If they say this really bothers them, why not take it seriously and do something about it? If you do not, you may be back on the dating scene sooner than you’d like and then that same complaint will come back.

Don’t assume that you are good in bed or a good kisser. If someone told me they didn’t like the way I kissed, how would I respond? I do not want to stay a bad kisser. I am pretty certain my feelings would be hurt, but if it were true, my personality is such that by the end of the week I would have multiple strategies to improve. How about you?

Ask for feedback. Work on how to get better with them or by yourself. It does not get better by itself and it does not simply go away. Commit to improving yourself in any area, sustain that motivation and follow up with the person.

“Here is what I have tried and done. Have you noticed a difference?”

Imagine at work, telling the boss, “I don’t care that you have complaints about my work. If you do not like how I do my job, too bad for you. You can’t tell me what to do. You just have to deal with it.”

No, you would do a performance improvement plan, come up with a way to do it better and then you would follow up.

If it did not improve, they would do something like progressive discipline. They would complain, bring it to your attention and cause and effect would kick in.

Either you improve or you get a new job. That’s how healthy jobs work and that is how healthy relationships work.

0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

    _

    Archives

    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012

    Categories

    All
    Building Relationships Improving Communication
    Communication
    Counseling
    Counselor
    Couples
    Couples Counseling
    Dating
    Emotional Intelligence
    Gender
    Gender Communication
    Goleman
    Jealousy
    Love
    Marital Counseling
    Relationships
    Resolutions
    Romance
    Soft Skills
    Time Magazine
    Training
    Valentine's Day

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.