This is a wonderful way to connect for me.
My problem is that my partner seems to care less. My partner refuses to talk about it, plan it and then when it happens, it is “less than ideal.”
There are times that I have considered myself really shallow for wanting to just get up and leave when we are done. It is like we are strangers, not interested in connecting, not interested in getting to know one another better in this way, not valuing intimacy (getting to know one another) and it grosses me out.
Several times after we have finished, I have privately said to myself –“this is the last time.” I feel like I am selling out. I deserve decent touch, decent kissing and decent sex and I have gently, tactfully suggested we read books together or go to websites (not porn) to improve our sex life. The reply is that everything is fine. We argue because I think my partner gets the benefit of all my work and I have to put up with substandard.
“Why do I have to beg for mediocre, middle age sex?”
As you can imagine, this is dicey. How do you tell someone that you would like to improve your sex life without offending them?
How do you hear this and not immediately try to improve?
Do you owe this to your spouse/partner?
Is this part of the agreement or are you allowed to simply withdraw and withhold this because your feelings got hurt?
At what point do we address the real issue here?
Selfishness and lack of reciprocity kill so many relationships. Open up to the other person and their feedback. If they say this really bothers them, why not take it seriously and do something about it? If you do not, you may be back on the dating scene sooner than you’d like and then that same complaint will come back.
Don’t assume that you are good in bed or a good kisser. If someone told me they didn’t like the way I kissed, how would I respond? I do not want to stay a bad kisser. I am pretty certain my feelings would be hurt, but if it were true, my personality is such that by the end of the week I would have multiple strategies to improve. How about you?
Ask for feedback. Work on how to get better with them or by yourself. It does not get better by itself and it does not simply go away. Commit to improving yourself in any area, sustain that motivation and follow up with the person.
“Here is what I have tried and done. Have you noticed a difference?”
Imagine at work, telling the boss, “I don’t care that you have complaints about my work. If you do not like how I do my job, too bad for you. You can’t tell me what to do. You just have to deal with it.”
No, you would do a performance improvement plan, come up with a way to do it better and then you would follow up.
If it did not improve, they would do something like progressive discipline. They would complain, bring it to your attention and cause and effect would kick in.
Either you improve or you get a new job. That’s how healthy jobs work and that is how healthy relationships work.