How do we find someone who can become a secure base?
How can I become that kind of person myself and how can I help my existing partner take on this life altering the rule?
(That’s what this book deals with.)
What are some protest behaviors?
Excessive attempts to reestablish contact: calling, texting, emailing many times, waiting for a phone call, loitering by their workplace,
Withdrawing, sitting silently engrossed in the newspaper, turning your back literally on your partner, not speaking, ignoring them
Keeping score: paying attention to how long it took them to return your phone call and waiting, just as long to return theirs;
Waiting for them to make the first make up, move and acting distant until then.
Acting hostile: rolling their eyes when they speak, looking away, getting up and leaving the room while they’re talking,
Threatening to leave: making threats “we’re not getting along. I don’t think I can do this anymore.” “I knew we weren’t right for each other.” “I’ll be better off without you” -all the while hoping that they will stop you from leaving
Manipulation: acting busy or unapproachable, ignoring phone calls, saying that you have plans when you don’t.
Making him or her feel jealous: making plans to get together with an ex for lunch, going out to a singles bar, telling your partner about somebody who hit on you today.
What can I do about my protest behavior?
You’re doing protest behavior to try to reestablish contact with your partner, and get their attention. These strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship.
Recognize them when they happen
Anxious attachment styles are particularly susceptible to falling into chronically activated attachment system situation.
The brains of people with an anxious attachment style react more strongly to thoughts of loss and under recruit regions normally used to down-regulate negative emotions.
It’s harder to turn off an anxious attachment.
The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows, and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love.
Those butterflies mean that you were anxiety-ridden that is not the same as love.
Do not let emotional unavailability turn you on. If you were anxious, your ideal person to date would be someone secure -but you’re gonna feel a little bit bored at first because there’s not drama, and that’s good for you.
You, given your anxious attachment style, have certain clear needs in a relationship.
If those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. Find a mate who can fulfill those needs.
*You need to fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship.*
You need to know that your needs are legitimate. They’re not good or bad. They’re simply your needs.
*Start assessing people you date on the basis of their ability to meet those needs.*
Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?
Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects very early on :
Are they sending mixed messages about their feelings towards you or their commitment to you?
Do they want an ideal relationship but suggest that it won’t be with you?
Do they want to meet the one, but always find fault in the other person?
Do they disregard your emotional well-being?
Do they suggest that you are too needy, sensitive or overreacting or otherwise invalidate you and make you second-guess yourself?
Ignores things that inconvenience them?
Address your concerns responding to facts, not taking into account your feelings?
Your messages don’t get across despite your best efforts.
Are they ambiguous about a relationship and telling you that your emotional needs are not too important to them?
Be your authentic self and express your needs.
Some people are simply incapable of meeting your needs.
Don’t have any guesswork and if direct with him, he would know exactly what was expected of him.
If you have an anxious attachment, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction.
You can’t get the person out of your mind.
Once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other persons closeness, and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know them and decide whether or not you like that person.
If you’re dating one person at a time, the result is that at a very early stage, you lose your ability to judge whether he or she is really right for you.
If you date multiple people at once, knowing that multiple different people could be a good match for you, You maintain your ability to evaluate potential partners more objectively.
You’re desensitizing your attachment system, and tricking it into being easier on you.
Instead, you will be busy evaluating the availability of a lot of different people and you won’t be as likely to obsess about anyone in particular.
You can easily rule out people that make you feel insecure inadequate, because you have not built all your hopes on them.
You wouldn’t waste your time with someone who is unkind to you when you have several other potential partners lined up.
You’re not afraid of chasing away a rare prospect. You don’t have to tiptoe around or hide your true feelings.
You can see whether they are able to meet your needs before you reach the point of no return.
You change your anxious, thought patterns or your working model for relationships. Many people will find me attractive even if they’re not a perfect match.
Unsuccessful dates are not proof that there’s something wrong with me.
When someone acts disengaged or avoidant, it’s easier to move on without losing precious time.
This person is not right for me, the next person might be..
**Here’s the caveat -recognize a keeper when you find one.
*Do not make impulsive decisions about whether they’re right for you.
*You might feel bored at first because there’s less drama when your attachment system is not activated. You might automatically interpret calmness as a lack of attraction. You may appreciate a calm attachment system, and all the advantages that it has to offer.