Someone asked me how I would approach dating online in 2021 and here is my reply:
The best dating advice I ever read was the “Hell yeah or no” concept by Silver.
When I read someone’s online profile, this is the feeling that I’m looking for.
If i think it might be there, i text a bunch to get to that point.
The purpose of texting, for me, is to see if i still have the feelings that accompany “hell yeah.” If so, I call and indicate that I’m interested in a date. If it is not a “hell yeah,” then I owe it to both of us to bow out. That is self love. That takes courage and honesty and a degree of integrity to say no.
If I’m not excited to see you, then you’re better off with someone else, as am i. I owe it to you to be honest, with tact. I owe it to myself to know myself well enough, too.
My belief is that i owe it to you to know what relationship I want and look out for my best interests and yours in making that decision. If I know both what I’m looking for, and what does not work, I have done a good amount of screening.
That strategy is going to get us the highest possible win- win.
Yes, I’m highly analytical and I am a marriage counselor, so I can cite research. I know why I approach it this way, because I’ve studied what makes relationships work and what makes them fail.
In my experience, many people over-commit very early on and begin talking about sexual compatibility. If we do that, we’ve skipped a few stages that are necessary. That will not serve us well. Flirting is fun and being playful along the way helps.
For me, the purpose of date one is to feel the vibe of the person, to determine how their style of communication fits with mine and how attracted i am. If I’m very attracted but the other things are not in place, I can tell you it won’t work out and the pain of forcing it will have been a mistake.
In the past, my gut has said, “ this person is wonderful and deserving. They would be a great partner for the right person, and that is not you.” Can you imagine saying “Go ahead and make it work,” even though you know that the cards are stacked against you?
In dating, we are trying to determine if we fit.
We first exclude people that don’t fit us well. That is not selfish or defensive.
This minimizes the pain of rejection. Both parties would rather not be involved in a relationship that’s clearly not going to work.
If you know that it won’t work ahead of time, don’t get into it. Right?
It’s similar to trying on clothing or taking a test drive or buying a house. You know what you’re looking for, and in order to make a good decision, you have to be true to yourself (and be kind to the other person, if dating).
I know who I don’t work well with in relationships. Sometimes in the profile it jumps out.
Sometimes that information or feeling does not come until the texting or a phone call.
Despite all that, the in-person meeting might have information and a vibe that it is clearly not going to work. You know your dealbreakers and don’t have to defend those.
I can really like the person and be highly compatible on several levels and not be compatible on necessary further levels and I know it won’t work.
This is not a romantic, but a very pragmatic, approach.
This approach might not be your cup of tea, yet it works well for me. If it doesn’t work well for you, that is good information for your decision. Don’t date me, if I don’t work for you.
Someone told me that my Standards are too high. Could be true.
I think of it as responsible dating. If I know i need a certain style and you don’t have it, that’s clearly not going to work.
When someone starts fighting before we’ve met, that makes it clear for me.
You’re seeing if i fit you and I’m trying you on.
Afraid of committing to someone who won’t work out? You should feel that. Don’t commit so early. Go on more dates and have the difficult conversations.
Another option is to Go out with everyone. I don’t see the merits of that approach.
I’ve heard others insinuate that “You have to date me if you talk to, or text, me. “
I had someone say, “How dare you not want to date me?” As I listened more closely, they were telling me that I would be lucky to date them because they are better looking than i am.
Sometimes, people say, “What do you mean we’re not a fit?” What might be implied is “I am a good person and I feel rejected.”
Along those lines, if someone tells you “We are not a good fit,” they have just spared you time and hurt feelings. Say “ Thank you. Good luck out there. “
They are not actually rejecting you (they don’t know you well enough to reject you personally. If you take it personally, that’s probably a mistake). They are saying that your styles don’t play well together.
Please, don’t then try to persuade them or pressure them or insult them. It isn’t easy to say no to people (for most of us). It was hard to say no and please assume the motivation was to spare feelings, not hurt them. It will hurt now or hurt worse later after investing time and energy.
You can’t pressure me into dating you. I am allowed to make that decision without your input.
I’m allowed to say to myself, “this person doesn’t fit and I don’t have to date them.”
This approach won't work for everyone, but if I put myself in their shoes, this is how I would approach it.
The best dating advice I ever read was the “Hell yeah or no” concept by Silver.
When I read someone’s online profile, this is the feeling that I’m looking for.
If i think it might be there, i text a bunch to get to that point.
The purpose of texting, for me, is to see if i still have the feelings that accompany “hell yeah.” If so, I call and indicate that I’m interested in a date. If it is not a “hell yeah,” then I owe it to both of us to bow out. That is self love. That takes courage and honesty and a degree of integrity to say no.
If I’m not excited to see you, then you’re better off with someone else, as am i. I owe it to you to be honest, with tact. I owe it to myself to know myself well enough, too.
My belief is that i owe it to you to know what relationship I want and look out for my best interests and yours in making that decision. If I know both what I’m looking for, and what does not work, I have done a good amount of screening.
That strategy is going to get us the highest possible win- win.
Yes, I’m highly analytical and I am a marriage counselor, so I can cite research. I know why I approach it this way, because I’ve studied what makes relationships work and what makes them fail.
In my experience, many people over-commit very early on and begin talking about sexual compatibility. If we do that, we’ve skipped a few stages that are necessary. That will not serve us well. Flirting is fun and being playful along the way helps.
For me, the purpose of date one is to feel the vibe of the person, to determine how their style of communication fits with mine and how attracted i am. If I’m very attracted but the other things are not in place, I can tell you it won’t work out and the pain of forcing it will have been a mistake.
In the past, my gut has said, “ this person is wonderful and deserving. They would be a great partner for the right person, and that is not you.” Can you imagine saying “Go ahead and make it work,” even though you know that the cards are stacked against you?
In dating, we are trying to determine if we fit.
We first exclude people that don’t fit us well. That is not selfish or defensive.
This minimizes the pain of rejection. Both parties would rather not be involved in a relationship that’s clearly not going to work.
If you know that it won’t work ahead of time, don’t get into it. Right?
It’s similar to trying on clothing or taking a test drive or buying a house. You know what you’re looking for, and in order to make a good decision, you have to be true to yourself (and be kind to the other person, if dating).
I know who I don’t work well with in relationships. Sometimes in the profile it jumps out.
Sometimes that information or feeling does not come until the texting or a phone call.
Despite all that, the in-person meeting might have information and a vibe that it is clearly not going to work. You know your dealbreakers and don’t have to defend those.
I can really like the person and be highly compatible on several levels and not be compatible on necessary further levels and I know it won’t work.
This is not a romantic, but a very pragmatic, approach.
This approach might not be your cup of tea, yet it works well for me. If it doesn’t work well for you, that is good information for your decision. Don’t date me, if I don’t work for you.
Someone told me that my Standards are too high. Could be true.
I think of it as responsible dating. If I know i need a certain style and you don’t have it, that’s clearly not going to work.
When someone starts fighting before we’ve met, that makes it clear for me.
You’re seeing if i fit you and I’m trying you on.
Afraid of committing to someone who won’t work out? You should feel that. Don’t commit so early. Go on more dates and have the difficult conversations.
Another option is to Go out with everyone. I don’t see the merits of that approach.
I’ve heard others insinuate that “You have to date me if you talk to, or text, me. “
I had someone say, “How dare you not want to date me?” As I listened more closely, they were telling me that I would be lucky to date them because they are better looking than i am.
Sometimes, people say, “What do you mean we’re not a fit?” What might be implied is “I am a good person and I feel rejected.”
Along those lines, if someone tells you “We are not a good fit,” they have just spared you time and hurt feelings. Say “ Thank you. Good luck out there. “
They are not actually rejecting you (they don’t know you well enough to reject you personally. If you take it personally, that’s probably a mistake). They are saying that your styles don’t play well together.
Please, don’t then try to persuade them or pressure them or insult them. It isn’t easy to say no to people (for most of us). It was hard to say no and please assume the motivation was to spare feelings, not hurt them. It will hurt now or hurt worse later after investing time and energy.
You can’t pressure me into dating you. I am allowed to make that decision without your input.
I’m allowed to say to myself, “this person doesn’t fit and I don’t have to date them.”
This approach won't work for everyone, but if I put myself in their shoes, this is how I would approach it.
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