Everyone answers yes to that question, so let me drill down. Let me also say that I see patterns in my work and this week I have been overwhelmed by how little time people put into their relationship and still expect it to work well. I liken it to plowing snow. If the snow keeps falling, you have to keep plowing. It doesn't really matter that last year you plowed a bunch.
How much time do you spend on your relationship? Compare that to the time you spend on :
Your children
Your family
Your house work
Your job
Your food preparation, grocery shopping and clean up
Your hygiene
The most recent article I read said that Americans spend 4X more time grocery shopping each week than they do on the relationship. Let's be honest with ourselves- our relationships are simply not a high priority. "There is too much to do," we tell ourselves.
Now compare what we have to do with our leisure time. How much time do you spend working out/exercising? Watching TV or shows/theatre etc? Checking FaceBook?
You do have time to spend on your relationship, you do not allocate the time/resources to your relationship that you do have. You justify it in different ways, if you are like most of us, and then when it becomes a crisis you pay attention until the crisis is over.
One good predictor of divorce is not showing appreciation, so how you spend the time you do have is important.
John Gottman, PhD spent a good deal of time figuring out how much time each week would be enough to keep a good relationship on track. It came out to 5 1/2 hrs a week. Chat about what is happening in your spouse's life today and everyday- at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. Hug or kiss when leaving and reuniting. Do a date where you actually interact (using words) each week. Do the math and you'll find that 5 1/2 hrs is reasonable.
Sounds like a lot and yet compare it to the amount of time you spend watching TV or on-line etc.
Can you do the bare minimum to keep your relationship viable? If you cannot do that, then please do not be surprised that your relationship suffers and will fail. Relationships are not maintenance free.
How much time do you spend on your relationship? Compare that to the time you spend on :
Your children
Your family
Your house work
Your job
Your food preparation, grocery shopping and clean up
Your hygiene
The most recent article I read said that Americans spend 4X more time grocery shopping each week than they do on the relationship. Let's be honest with ourselves- our relationships are simply not a high priority. "There is too much to do," we tell ourselves.
Now compare what we have to do with our leisure time. How much time do you spend working out/exercising? Watching TV or shows/theatre etc? Checking FaceBook?
You do have time to spend on your relationship, you do not allocate the time/resources to your relationship that you do have. You justify it in different ways, if you are like most of us, and then when it becomes a crisis you pay attention until the crisis is over.
One good predictor of divorce is not showing appreciation, so how you spend the time you do have is important.
John Gottman, PhD spent a good deal of time figuring out how much time each week would be enough to keep a good relationship on track. It came out to 5 1/2 hrs a week. Chat about what is happening in your spouse's life today and everyday- at the beginning of the day and at the end of the day. Hug or kiss when leaving and reuniting. Do a date where you actually interact (using words) each week. Do the math and you'll find that 5 1/2 hrs is reasonable.
Sounds like a lot and yet compare it to the amount of time you spend watching TV or on-line etc.
Can you do the bare minimum to keep your relationship viable? If you cannot do that, then please do not be surprised that your relationship suffers and will fail. Relationships are not maintenance free.
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