Please let me give a disclaimer- you gotta read this book if this topic interests you. Also, not everyone will resonate with any one book or theory. One size does not fit all. Use the ideas to stimulate your own thinking, your own processing. “Take what you need and leave the rest,” is a 12 step slogan. Sometimes, you might have a visceral reaction to what was written. Maybe something triggered you. Maybe you just simply disagree. You are allowed all of those and I ask that you be true to yourself. Maybe it is true sometimes, for some people, in some contexts and maybe it is never true for you… You get to decide and act accordingly!
You can explore by yourself, with a partner, or with a therapist.
The most powerful tool that you can use is to ask yourself and each other, “What kind of sex is worth wanting?” This is going to be specific to the two of you and might need the skills within negotiation.
One woman said, “How come I can’t be a woman who doesn’t want to have sex?”
She had to complete the anger cycle and walk through the tunnel of feelings.
She let herself experience her anger at sex and at her partner.
She was less afraid of the anger than what might happen to her if she kept the anger Locked up inside forever. She let the anger out. She channeled it into her writing, allowing her main character to brutally kill an enemy- she shook and cried.
She could have equally channeled it into her morning walk or she could’ve channeled it inappropriately toward her family, taking her non-specific anger out and making it about them using her anger as a weapon against other people.
She’s smarter than that, and made writing her outlet.
The anger blew through her like a strong wind.
It blew itself out.
It took some time, and it was uncomfortable.
Even just a couple weeks of saying no - was just to beginning. What mattered to her was that she had given herself permission to feel the anger.
She learned the skill of allowing it to move through her rather than holding onto the anger. She did not do anything with it, she didn’t direct it toward anyone, she just released it into the world. She just allowed it. She trusted her body to release the pent-up rage.
Then one day she was ready to ask the deeper question, “If I do not want sex, What do I want?”
She wanted to give pleasure, to connect, to receive pleasure, and share it with a love of her life.
To experience pleasure – all kinds of pleasure, but the pleasures of her own body, especially without the defenses that had kept her safe in and on the safe world.
Her pleasure was walled up by self- protection, so that it could not expand to be on a small imprisoned domain within her.
When she focused on the pleasure of her partner, her brakes were not activated.
How is she going to let go and experience pleasure for herself?
Let’s explore desire
The problem could be not that you’re not responsive, but that you don’t feel good about the sex that you’re having.
One woman talked about feeling ignored for years.
If she didn’t like the sex, then of course she wouldn’t desire sex.
It is normal to not want sex that you do not like.
Perhaps what is considered low sex desire can be best understood as a healthy response to disappointing sex.
Ask yourself the question -What kind of sex is worth wanting?
People don’t just want orgasm, they want more.
Usually, usually what people want is to access a sense of connection and pleasure through sexuality.
Next up- a book called Magnificent Sex
You can explore by yourself, with a partner, or with a therapist.
The most powerful tool that you can use is to ask yourself and each other, “What kind of sex is worth wanting?” This is going to be specific to the two of you and might need the skills within negotiation.
One woman said, “How come I can’t be a woman who doesn’t want to have sex?”
She had to complete the anger cycle and walk through the tunnel of feelings.
She let herself experience her anger at sex and at her partner.
She was less afraid of the anger than what might happen to her if she kept the anger Locked up inside forever. She let the anger out. She channeled it into her writing, allowing her main character to brutally kill an enemy- she shook and cried.
She could have equally channeled it into her morning walk or she could’ve channeled it inappropriately toward her family, taking her non-specific anger out and making it about them using her anger as a weapon against other people.
She’s smarter than that, and made writing her outlet.
The anger blew through her like a strong wind.
It blew itself out.
It took some time, and it was uncomfortable.
Even just a couple weeks of saying no - was just to beginning. What mattered to her was that she had given herself permission to feel the anger.
She learned the skill of allowing it to move through her rather than holding onto the anger. She did not do anything with it, she didn’t direct it toward anyone, she just released it into the world. She just allowed it. She trusted her body to release the pent-up rage.
Then one day she was ready to ask the deeper question, “If I do not want sex, What do I want?”
She wanted to give pleasure, to connect, to receive pleasure, and share it with a love of her life.
To experience pleasure – all kinds of pleasure, but the pleasures of her own body, especially without the defenses that had kept her safe in and on the safe world.
Her pleasure was walled up by self- protection, so that it could not expand to be on a small imprisoned domain within her.
When she focused on the pleasure of her partner, her brakes were not activated.
How is she going to let go and experience pleasure for herself?
Let’s explore desire
The problem could be not that you’re not responsive, but that you don’t feel good about the sex that you’re having.
One woman talked about feeling ignored for years.
If she didn’t like the sex, then of course she wouldn’t desire sex.
It is normal to not want sex that you do not like.
Perhaps what is considered low sex desire can be best understood as a healthy response to disappointing sex.
Ask yourself the question -What kind of sex is worth wanting?
People don’t just want orgasm, they want more.
Usually, usually what people want is to access a sense of connection and pleasure through sexuality.
Next up- a book called Magnificent Sex
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