“One size fits all” is not a good way to think about it.
Low desire is a relationship issue, not a sex issue.
It’s not that one person‘s desire for sex is inherently too low or the others is too high.
They’re just different in the current context.
How does the couple manage the difference?
Problems emerge when partners have different levels of desire and they believe that one person level is better than the other persons.
The partner may worry “Am I broken? Do I want sex too much? Am I sexually obsessed or compulsive?”
That is the chasing dynamic. How do you fix the chasing dynamic?
The problem is not the desire, it is the context.
You need more sex-related stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brakes.
The chasing dynamic hits the brakes. Take away the chase. Take sex entirely off the table.
No sex, no orgasms with the other person present, no genital contact.
Remove every trace of expectation or demand that sex will result from any physical contact between you.
There might be other things that you put off-limits to when the lower desire partner feels pushed.
For example, imagine dreading that a kiss will turn into an expectation of sex.
You want to relax and enjoy the physical intimacy that you do share.
How long do you do this?
Enough to feel like there’s a substantial barrier.
A month, two weeks three months whatever works for the two of you when you take sex off the table in order to break down the chasing dynamic, both partners must agree, fully, and equally that they’re creating the dynamic together.
Neither partner is “the problem,” the dynamic they’re stuck in is what is defined as the problem.
Notice that the solution is attitude not behavior.
Feeling like there’s something wrong with you or that your partner thinks there’s something wrong with you kills desire. You are not broken. You are whole. There is hope.
You might be exhausted. You might feel stuck. You might feel depressed, anxious worn out by the demands of taking care of everyone, you might be tired of feeling to defend yourself. You might be tired of wishing your body would do something different.
These are the circumstances not you.
You are full.
You are OK.
There exists inside you a sexuality that protects you by withdrawing until times are better.
Your sexuality is in there. It is part of you.
It’s just waiting -if the opportunity arises, it will be, ready and waiting for you.
Your sexual desire is waiting for your life to allow it to come out and play.
Let it, whenever it feels safe enough.
Low desire is a relationship issue, not a sex issue.
It’s not that one person‘s desire for sex is inherently too low or the others is too high.
They’re just different in the current context.
How does the couple manage the difference?
Problems emerge when partners have different levels of desire and they believe that one person level is better than the other persons.
The partner may worry “Am I broken? Do I want sex too much? Am I sexually obsessed or compulsive?”
That is the chasing dynamic. How do you fix the chasing dynamic?
The problem is not the desire, it is the context.
You need more sex-related stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brakes.
The chasing dynamic hits the brakes. Take away the chase. Take sex entirely off the table.
No sex, no orgasms with the other person present, no genital contact.
Remove every trace of expectation or demand that sex will result from any physical contact between you.
There might be other things that you put off-limits to when the lower desire partner feels pushed.
For example, imagine dreading that a kiss will turn into an expectation of sex.
You want to relax and enjoy the physical intimacy that you do share.
How long do you do this?
Enough to feel like there’s a substantial barrier.
A month, two weeks three months whatever works for the two of you when you take sex off the table in order to break down the chasing dynamic, both partners must agree, fully, and equally that they’re creating the dynamic together.
Neither partner is “the problem,” the dynamic they’re stuck in is what is defined as the problem.
Notice that the solution is attitude not behavior.
Feeling like there’s something wrong with you or that your partner thinks there’s something wrong with you kills desire. You are not broken. You are whole. There is hope.
You might be exhausted. You might feel stuck. You might feel depressed, anxious worn out by the demands of taking care of everyone, you might be tired of feeling to defend yourself. You might be tired of wishing your body would do something different.
These are the circumstances not you.
You are full.
You are OK.
There exists inside you a sexuality that protects you by withdrawing until times are better.
Your sexuality is in there. It is part of you.
It’s just waiting -if the opportunity arises, it will be, ready and waiting for you.
Your sexual desire is waiting for your life to allow it to come out and play.
Let it, whenever it feels safe enough.
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