Messing Up is Not The Problem, Not Apologizing Is

Gottman calls them "Regrettable Incidents." We have all had them, most of us weekly if not daily. We wish we had not said or done it, but we did.

The fact that messed up is not a good thing. If I mess up, apologize sincerely and genuinely attempt to not do it again, the problem is addressed and usually I am forgiven. Believe it or not, this builds trust.

Try saying, "I am really sorry that I messed up and hurt you. I did not mean to hurt you. Here is what I will do to make sure that does not happen again." This is not a free pass and your actions need to match your words in order to fully earn that trust back.

What happens when I mess up and do not apologize? That is when it appears to be intentional by the other person. I had a chance to make up for it, if it was a mistake and I did not even attempt to make up for it? That is going to hurt a relationship. I am communicating , "I really do not care that I hurt you. I am not accountable."

This is less likely to be forgiven in a relationship. It chips away at the trust.

Now imagine if the mess up was a big one and you have already chipped away at the trust in the relationship for awhile.

Let me know what you think,
Don