Follow up
Someone asked me why people do not offer comments to the blog. Well, they do, they just do not offer those comments on the blog itself. Some feel self-conscious and others just email me at donboice@boicecounseling.com to give me feedback or ideas.
So the feedback for the previous blog was pretty consistent. “Nice guy” is truly a code. It means “wimp.” The guy above had not gotten out of the friend zone. He was - the type of guy who would be a good friend, but not a protector, maybe too passive, a pushover, and trying too hard. In other words, he was not attractive in the way she needed the attraction to work. Being “nice” is a perquisite, just not the only prerequisite. It is necessary, but not sufficient. It is only one of many qualities needed for a relationship to work. It was not a good fit for that person.
For another woman, this man might be a great fit.
He can try to change who he is to make it work a little longer, but eventually the poor fit will mean it does not work!
Think of someone you yourself know who is really a good person, just not a good match for you. If only you felt attracted to them, the relationship you could have…
That’s how it worked. So, yes, women want “nice guys” as long as they also have other attributes that add up to a good level of attraction. Yes, men also want the same thing from women. We want women to be nice and kind, and attractive, as we define.
Next entry will deal with a woman telling a man how to be a man. This happens with a disturbing frequency in my sessions. Spoiler alert: Please stop trying to change your partner. If they are not acceptable as they are, you have hard decisions to make. You have the right to request a minor change. Request it and let it go, rather than repeatedly remind the person they are not good enough.
Someone asked me why people do not offer comments to the blog. Well, they do, they just do not offer those comments on the blog itself. Some feel self-conscious and others just email me at donboice@boicecounseling.com to give me feedback or ideas.
So the feedback for the previous blog was pretty consistent. “Nice guy” is truly a code. It means “wimp.” The guy above had not gotten out of the friend zone. He was - the type of guy who would be a good friend, but not a protector, maybe too passive, a pushover, and trying too hard. In other words, he was not attractive in the way she needed the attraction to work. Being “nice” is a perquisite, just not the only prerequisite. It is necessary, but not sufficient. It is only one of many qualities needed for a relationship to work. It was not a good fit for that person.
For another woman, this man might be a great fit.
He can try to change who he is to make it work a little longer, but eventually the poor fit will mean it does not work!
Think of someone you yourself know who is really a good person, just not a good match for you. If only you felt attracted to them, the relationship you could have…
That’s how it worked. So, yes, women want “nice guys” as long as they also have other attributes that add up to a good level of attraction. Yes, men also want the same thing from women. We want women to be nice and kind, and attractive, as we define.
Next entry will deal with a woman telling a man how to be a man. This happens with a disturbing frequency in my sessions. Spoiler alert: Please stop trying to change your partner. If they are not acceptable as they are, you have hard decisions to make. You have the right to request a minor change. Request it and let it go, rather than repeatedly remind the person they are not good enough.
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