mThe first three components of non-violent communication are observing, feeling , and needing. We have learned to do this without criticizing, analyzing, blaming, or diagnosing others, and in a way likely to inspire compassion. The fourth and final component of this process addresses what we would like to request of others in order to enrich life for us.
We ask for actions that might fulfill our needs. How do we express our requests so that others are more willing to respond compassionately to our needs?
They might have received a more cooperative response if they had expressed what they did, rather than what they did not, want.
Gottman refers to this process as expressing the need instead of the complaint. What we have found is that people can hear the request when it is to ask for a need. When it is expressed as a complaint, many people tune it out or get defensive, which stifles the communication. Consider taking the complaint that you have and expressing the need instead. Watch to see if you get a different result.
This weekend is the final part of my (40 hour) Basic Divorce Mediation training. I have been doing couples counseling for many years and dealing with conflict for 30 years as a counselor. I have taken a 25 hour training, a 24 hour training, an all day training, several (monthly )1 hour specific trainings, a 9 hour podcast training and read 45 mediation books and countless articles on LinkedIn etc. Mediators get a ton of training to be good and then engage in self directed learning to move from being a paperwork technician- getting the right forms, to an art form and getting not only a great agreement written, but making certain the couple has an agreement where there is buy in and durability. I can't wait to get started!