If you can accept some influence, you might be able to compromise. Nash Equilibrium is not possible in every situation. Sometimes you must compromise or break the deal altogether. We are working hard to not make it a win-lose in either direction.
Is there an area where you might be able to reach a temporary compromise after you fully understood them?
In order to move to compromise, we have to feel safe and decide what we cannot compromise on. Are you communicating in such a way that your partner feels safe?
What are core needs that we cannot be flexible about?
You can only be influential if you accept influence.
As we become more conscious and aware, we look at what are we trying to accomplish. What is our dream, what is our life mission?
How do you want to be remembered when you’re gone?
How is your relationship supporting your life‘s mission?
What changes will you make in your relationship to accomplish your dreams, your life mission?
The couples who are happy in their relationships have a five to one ratio of positive to negative during conflict discussions. A 21 positive to negative ratio when just hanging out.
Little things done often, lots of kindness, attention, interest in one another, affection, humor, good sex, and so on…
When looking at defensiveness, look at righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. “I am free of blame, guilty and any responsibility. It is all on you.”
It looks like you are competing for the victim of the day award to avoid making any changes.
Can you accept responsibility even for a small part of the problem?
What are you responsible for in this relationship?
Scan for things to take responsibility for instead of criticizing your partner. Catch your partner doing something right and give praise for that.
As a couple, how successful are you being able to talk about it without getting back into negativity? Making the next conversation on that topic better?
When you have a chip on your shoulder, you take it personally if someone is irritable or says something crappy.
Do you feel like your partner is your ally, teammate, partner?
Do you feel respected, understood and that your partner is really on your side?
Do you feel like your partner is interested in you?
Is there affection coming your way?
Is there a romance or passion or good sex in the relationship?
If not, you’re likely to have a negative perspective and your negative sentiment will override your positive feelings and you’re likely to have a chip on your shoulder.
If you can talk about a problem that is continual due to personality or lifestyle differences, we call that a perpetual problem.
You don’t feel rejected when it’s perpetual problem.
In gridlock, you do feel rejected and the main issue is how to move from gridlock to dialogue on these perpetual problems.