Boice Counseling
  • Home
  • Retreats and Books
    • Books and Audio
    • Helpful Resources
    • Insurance/Costs
  • Services
  • News/Blog
  • Contact Us

Part 2 Gridlock versus Perpetual Problem

11/23/2022

0 Comments

 
This is where the “dream within a problem” exercise comes in. Ask your counselor to explain it to you and give you the Gottman approved handout.
 
Imagine being in a romantic relationship where you always win every argument, but you crush your partner’s dreams in the process. (I am guessing you know that crushing your partner’s dreams does not serve you.)
 
Now imagine that you’re in a kind of relationship in which you support each other‘s dreams.
 
Which one do you think both of you would prefer?
 
When people feel empowered they do not stand for bad relationships. (Some people know this and make sure that their partner is not empowered, so that they stay in this relationship, despite the yuck.)
 
Men who have the emotional intelligence to accept influence from women are way ahead of the game in the world of relationships and parenting.
 
It’s also a wonderful way to get your kids ahead of the game in emotional, social development but also in terms of cognitive development.
 
Fathers have great potential for doing good and also great potential for doing harm.
 
There needs to be give and take on both sides.
 
The sharing of power needs to be a two-way street.
 
What matters here is respecting both points of view. Historically, one group tends to accept influence and one group tends not to. There are individual differences, obviously, but as a group, one accepts influence at far higher rates.
 
Relationships fare much better when a man accepts influence from his female partner.
 
Developmental psychologists have observed that little girls accept influence in their play from both boys and girls, but boys almost never accept influence from girls.
 
In preschool, 35% of best friends are boy girl friendships, the percentage drops to 0% by age 7. The guy who can accept influence is a pretty smart guy.
 
By adolescence, when boys and girls turn toward another with emotional ups and downs of relationships, it is a girl who is likely to be more expert about navigating emotional waters.
 
Do you want to win this battle to lose the war?
 
Both people need to feel respected and consulted in the process of deciding things.
 
It’s you and me versus the problem not you versus me or me versus you. Both of us are working together against the problem.
 
When your children are troubled, do they feel comfortable turning toward you?
 
How about your spouse?
 
When your children are joyous do they look forward to sharing it with you?
 
Same thing for your spouse?
 
If you have a solid emotional base you can create and work effectively with your partner. You can lead a rich and meaningful life.
 
People who matter will care about you when you are alive and will be warm to you when you are dying.
 
This still relates to gridlock versus perpetual problems. Can you see the paradox that the person who accepts influence has influence? In our society, there is a gender gap and it might be helpful to understand it than just change behaviorally.
 
Women have been conditioned with a much lower sense of entitlement about having and developing their own dreams unless those dreams pertain to relationships.
 
They are all too willing to give up their dreams for the sake of the relationship.
 
But no one wants a close relationship with a woman who is defeated, beaten, and depressed. Everyone (making the assumption of non pathology) wants a woman who is a partner and true teammate, someone who is alive loves their life, who feels loved honored and respected.
 
In our history, unfortunately, it’s typical where it has been the woman’s dreams that have not been taken seriously by both.
 
We are not suggesting that the man’s dreams are not to be honored, but that usually gets taken for granted and is absent but implicit.
 
Honoring their own dreams- and women feel bad for having these dreams, unless they’re about being a daughter, mother, sister, wife, honoring their own dreams- will help their relationship.
 
When you notice that you’re in gridlock, the goal is simply dialogue not to fix the problem.
 
Let me say this again the goal is not to fix the problem. Yet…
 
Work more deeply to understand one another.
 
What are the feelings, beliefs, and dreams behind the issue?
Next blog will continue with perpetual problem explanation and gridlock resolution.
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Don Boice
    Don Boice, LCSW-R, specializes in gender communication with couples in conflict.  

    _

    Archives

    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012

    Categories

    All
    Building Relationships Improving Communication
    Communication
    Counseling
    Counselor
    Couples
    Couples Counseling
    Dating
    Emotional Intelligence
    Gender
    Gender Communication
    Goleman
    Jealousy
    Love
    Marital Counseling
    Relationships
    Resolutions
    Romance
    Soft Skills
    Time Magazine
    Training
    Valentine's Day

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.