The image that comes to mind is a glass of water. Stir in a teaspoon of dirt. You can’t see through the dirt, can you?
If you stop stirring and just allow the process to take place, the dirt settles to the bottom without you intervening. All you had to do was hold space, which is not easy. I would not drink the water, but you can now see through the glass again because the dirt is on the bottom. When your feelings settle, you have more clarity as well. Yes, pain hurts.
Pain gets your attention and delivers a message. If you are smart, you listen to the first message rather than
ignoring the messages. The pain only gets louder to get your attention if you ignore it. Listen and the pain has done its job and can leave you alone.
Think back to the automatic reaction to pain or hurt. If I am fully healed, I don’t overreact. If I overreact, I am not yet fully healed and I know where I need to pay attention. Go back and heal as much as you can, and this work is easier. Learn the process of self-healing to speed the process. Hint: It is about not stirring up feelings or avoiding the feelings. Pretending the feelings are gone is silliness. Doesn’t work long-term…
Can you practice responding to pain with intellectual curiosity? I wonder what the need is here. Same thing for when 1you experience conflict in your own life or when helping others.
Conflict is telling you to be curious. My default with conflict is “What is happening here?” “Are you okay?” “Want to talk about it?”
I don’t punish people for hurting.
That just doesn’t make sense to me.
If I reach out, with compassionate action, trying to understand and trying to help them meet their needs, they might cry, be surprised, or quickly cooperate. If you want to address the root cause instead of the symptoms, help them meet their needs and the conflict often quickly evaporates. There is a purpose for their behavior. They are not my adversary or opponent, and I don’t take it personally. Unless I have a trigger and a wound that is unhealed, then I take it personally. Even if they mean for me to take it personally. I choose when and if I take it personally. I have that kind of control because I have healed my old wounds. That is such a liberating, a freeing, feeling to know they cannot trick me into fighting back with words. There is often no need.
It is like a wounded animal. If I see a dog that is injured, I don’t get close enough for it to bite me. Even if I try to help it, it might bite me. Nothing personal, had to do with their injury - not me helping them. Has zero to do with me. Most conflict is like that.
My inner conflict is most likely to start an outer conflict with someone else. When I am at peace with myself, it is hard to disturb my peace.