While that is more common, it can also be the man who doesn’t want it as much.
Talk about it, talk about it. What is it you are looking for?
How much is enough?
What makes it more likely that we both get a win-win? How can you say no without feeling rejected? What is the role of charity sex? Do you still have sex when you are not in the mood? Talk about it.
Talk about desire for each partner and what helps each one?
Do the same exercise for arousal. You might not be in the mood, but now you are aroused because you were cuddling or kissing or rubbing the back or finally relaxed or watched a great movie…
John Gray wrote a few books about Mars and Venus and the one about Mars and Venus in the Bedroom talked about how it takes women longer to warm up to the idea of having sex.
Many people have suggested he is correct and that men think women are “just ready to go.” Not all men are “ready to go” at any time, either.
Imagine having a really stressful day at work, being exhausted and maybe in pain and then being asked about sex. How long would it take you to change gears? Compare notes with your partner. What would you need to change gears faster?
Testosterone fuels the sex drive in both genders and it has been reported that in the morning, the amount of testosterone is much higher for men. Consider that in your equation. Consider also that when you rest during the day, “doing nothing”, that your body is producing testosterone.
One study a few years back reported that when the level of testosterone is higher in women, they are more active sexually, want it more and are aroused faster. They feel better, lose weight faster and had higher incomes...and had more difficulty in love relationships. So don’t take it personally, a hormone is a powerful thing. Breast feeding and the monthly cycle also affects the sex drive.
How do you help someone get in the mood? How do you get yourself in the mood? Have those conversations.
Remember that each of you has a role to play by being ready. Plan a night each week and be ready. Take responsibility for being in the mood and don’t bail out, unless there is a legit reason.
EXERCISE: Audio/Music Exercise:
Set up a playlist now. Some people like it varied - to stay in moment. Talk about what they would like or prefer. Some people have music they just hate or music that distracts them or reminds them of something they would rather not think about during sex. Make sure the music adds to the experience.
I had a list of at least 100 other sensory objects that you could use and decided to suggest that you just explore with each other. Nothing is off limits as far as bringing you closer to feeling connected. Just talk about it first. Integration of everything is Tantra. Every experience whether you judge it or not, can bring you to wholeness and fullness.
Don’t take anything personally, it is all here for you to learn, that’s all.
Go for what makes you , you...What turns you on and what opens you up. Be you, boldly and loudly, take up space and allow the part of you that you forced to play it small, play it safe, to emerge - if you really want this, prove it.
Have you tried doing the exercises on a regular basis (The Art of Sexual Ecstasy by Margo Anand) yet? Are you practicing this particular one 10-20 times before it becomes comfortable during sex? It is time to get the book, and read it, if you have not already done so. Here is an exercise that you to practice for your tantra to flow well: Shooting to the Crown Together