Mindset by Carol Dweck PhD
The author writes "My husband and I had been together almost a year and, as my birthday approached, I sent a clear message "I am not mercenary, but I like a good present."
He said "isn't it the thought that counts?"
I replied "that is what people say when they don't want to put thought into it." "Once a year," I continued, "we each have our day. I love you and I plan to put time and effort into choosing a present for you. I would like for you to do that for me too."
He has never let me down.
She continues, referring to the blame game-
"When you fail at other tasks, it is hard to keep blaming someone else. But when something goes wrong in a relationship, it is easy to blame someone else. In fact, in the fixed mindset you have a limited set of choices. One is to blame your own permanent qualities. And one is to blame your partner’s. You can see how tempting it is to foist the blame on to the other person. "
So, can we meet beyond blame?
Can we simply ask to get our needs met instead of complaining that the unspoken needs were not met?
Can we hold the person accountable when we have asked for the needs to be met, the person agreed and failed to deliver?
The author writes "My husband and I had been together almost a year and, as my birthday approached, I sent a clear message "I am not mercenary, but I like a good present."
He said "isn't it the thought that counts?"
I replied "that is what people say when they don't want to put thought into it." "Once a year," I continued, "we each have our day. I love you and I plan to put time and effort into choosing a present for you. I would like for you to do that for me too."
He has never let me down.
She continues, referring to the blame game-
"When you fail at other tasks, it is hard to keep blaming someone else. But when something goes wrong in a relationship, it is easy to blame someone else. In fact, in the fixed mindset you have a limited set of choices. One is to blame your own permanent qualities. And one is to blame your partner’s. You can see how tempting it is to foist the blame on to the other person. "
So, can we meet beyond blame?
Can we simply ask to get our needs met instead of complaining that the unspoken needs were not met?
Can we hold the person accountable when we have asked for the needs to be met, the person agreed and failed to deliver?
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