Want Profound Sex?
Profoundly meaningful sex is determined more by personal maturation than physiological reflex. If you can do the coping, managing emotions and still being open, you will be more apt to have profound sexual experiences. Why?
If sexual intimacy means “disclosing yourself through sex,” then people who can let themselves be known have more potential for profound sexual experiences.
If you are interested in sex with intimacy, there is not a 17 yr old alive who can keep up w a healthy 60 yr old. (Many thanks to David Schnarch and his book Passionate Marriage for his thoughts- suggest reading it.)
“Saying no to sex does not kill it. How you respond to that “no” can kill it. Showing annoyance when you hear “no” has many layers to it.
Does the person have the right to not want it?
Do you follow up with that person because you are emotionally connected?
Do you insist on never having needs again to protect from feeling rejected?
Can you be true to your adult self in the midst of feeling rejected? Do you really want to make love w someone who is not in the mood?
Wouldn't you rather know it than force or coerce a yes? When you shut out the needs of your mate- it hurts each of you and it hurts the relationship between you.” Passionate Marriage
I teach people to answer “yes” to sex.
“Yes, I would love to have sex with you. Let’s set a time. Tonight I am really tired, though.” The person is not getting rejected. Sex is not getting rejected, the time is not optimal for a good connection.
That is a very different experience than continually hearing “no” and feeling like you have to keep asking every day just in case this is the time the partner says “yes.” Practice this approach and let me know how it works for you.
Visual Exercise:
Outfits- some people really like lingerie, or stockings or undressing or… Talk about what you like and own it. Just because you like it does not mean your partner will. Partners, please listen to (without judging) the preferences.
Does not mean that you have to accommodate.
I have found it best not to talk about this by mentioning how you had sex with people in the past, especially if there is an issue with jealousy. Some people like undressing their partner. Others like complete dark so they cannot be seen and then they get under the sheets to avoid being seen. Especially with body image issues in our culture, I would talk about preferences and why they are preferences and encourage each other to have a healthy discussion and healthy pushing of boundaries, all the while reserving the right to not do things that are uncomfortable for them. “I have never felt comfortable doing….” Is not fun to hear after doing that thing for two years. At the risk of sounding judgy, if you cannot talk about sex and your preferences, if you cannot honor sex and respect preferences, your own and theirs, are you ready to be sexual?
Profoundly meaningful sex is determined more by personal maturation than physiological reflex. If you can do the coping, managing emotions and still being open, you will be more apt to have profound sexual experiences. Why?
If sexual intimacy means “disclosing yourself through sex,” then people who can let themselves be known have more potential for profound sexual experiences.
If you are interested in sex with intimacy, there is not a 17 yr old alive who can keep up w a healthy 60 yr old. (Many thanks to David Schnarch and his book Passionate Marriage for his thoughts- suggest reading it.)
“Saying no to sex does not kill it. How you respond to that “no” can kill it. Showing annoyance when you hear “no” has many layers to it.
Does the person have the right to not want it?
Do you follow up with that person because you are emotionally connected?
Do you insist on never having needs again to protect from feeling rejected?
Can you be true to your adult self in the midst of feeling rejected? Do you really want to make love w someone who is not in the mood?
Wouldn't you rather know it than force or coerce a yes? When you shut out the needs of your mate- it hurts each of you and it hurts the relationship between you.” Passionate Marriage
I teach people to answer “yes” to sex.
“Yes, I would love to have sex with you. Let’s set a time. Tonight I am really tired, though.” The person is not getting rejected. Sex is not getting rejected, the time is not optimal for a good connection.
That is a very different experience than continually hearing “no” and feeling like you have to keep asking every day just in case this is the time the partner says “yes.” Practice this approach and let me know how it works for you.
Visual Exercise:
Outfits- some people really like lingerie, or stockings or undressing or… Talk about what you like and own it. Just because you like it does not mean your partner will. Partners, please listen to (without judging) the preferences.
Does not mean that you have to accommodate.
I have found it best not to talk about this by mentioning how you had sex with people in the past, especially if there is an issue with jealousy. Some people like undressing their partner. Others like complete dark so they cannot be seen and then they get under the sheets to avoid being seen. Especially with body image issues in our culture, I would talk about preferences and why they are preferences and encourage each other to have a healthy discussion and healthy pushing of boundaries, all the while reserving the right to not do things that are uncomfortable for them. “I have never felt comfortable doing….” Is not fun to hear after doing that thing for two years. At the risk of sounding judgy, if you cannot talk about sex and your preferences, if you cannot honor sex and respect preferences, your own and theirs, are you ready to be sexual?
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