How long do emotions last?
That depends if you poke them, stir them, fight against them or just allow them to be. If you just allow the emotions to be emotions, remind yourself that feelings are not facts, then most emotions evaporate after about 20 minutes. They are emotions, nothing more and nothing less. They can guide us to do very wonderful things as well as very damaging things.
Imagine a disagreement in a romantic relationship. Not hard to do, right? It is hard to live with other people and it is hard to even be in relationship with other people. We have not figured out how to change that and it has been that way since humans have walked the earth. Furthermore, it can be challenging to disagree with other people in a way that both parties appreciate. Heck, I would rather not have any conflict at all.
Research has found that there are some ways to have disagreements that lead to divorce rather quickly. While that is nice to know, I would rather know how to disagree and stay married.
Think about it from a customer service perspective. Good customer service, like at Wegmans, is not filled with emotion. It is a simple exchange of facts and the situation is rectified, if at all possible. Remember that not all problems can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction.
Gottman talks about perpetual problems as problems that have no apparent solutions. These are normal and natural and to be expected in every single relationship. When they get dangerous to a relationship is when there is gridlock on perpetual problems, which usually means there are strong emotions. If you can work through your own emotions, then have the discussion, it invariably goes better. This does not mean turn into a robot or be devoid of emotion. It means having the discussion be about the issue without setting one another off.
Gottman reminds us, "When arguing, those couples who spend the most time being unemotional remained married. Neutrality was key to the fate of the relationship."
Do you find it odd that a counselor and a marriage researcher are both advocating less emotion? Think about how well you think and concentrate and function when your emotions have the best of you. It is not about being a robot, it is about managing the emotions that you have so that they serve you rather than cause you to be reactive and out of control during an argument. When you are not in argument mode, it is also a good idea to manage your emotions instead of putting them in control.
That depends if you poke them, stir them, fight against them or just allow them to be. If you just allow the emotions to be emotions, remind yourself that feelings are not facts, then most emotions evaporate after about 20 minutes. They are emotions, nothing more and nothing less. They can guide us to do very wonderful things as well as very damaging things.
Imagine a disagreement in a romantic relationship. Not hard to do, right? It is hard to live with other people and it is hard to even be in relationship with other people. We have not figured out how to change that and it has been that way since humans have walked the earth. Furthermore, it can be challenging to disagree with other people in a way that both parties appreciate. Heck, I would rather not have any conflict at all.
Research has found that there are some ways to have disagreements that lead to divorce rather quickly. While that is nice to know, I would rather know how to disagree and stay married.
Think about it from a customer service perspective. Good customer service, like at Wegmans, is not filled with emotion. It is a simple exchange of facts and the situation is rectified, if at all possible. Remember that not all problems can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction.
Gottman talks about perpetual problems as problems that have no apparent solutions. These are normal and natural and to be expected in every single relationship. When they get dangerous to a relationship is when there is gridlock on perpetual problems, which usually means there are strong emotions. If you can work through your own emotions, then have the discussion, it invariably goes better. This does not mean turn into a robot or be devoid of emotion. It means having the discussion be about the issue without setting one another off.
Gottman reminds us, "When arguing, those couples who spend the most time being unemotional remained married. Neutrality was key to the fate of the relationship."
Do you find it odd that a counselor and a marriage researcher are both advocating less emotion? Think about how well you think and concentrate and function when your emotions have the best of you. It is not about being a robot, it is about managing the emotions that you have so that they serve you rather than cause you to be reactive and out of control during an argument. When you are not in argument mode, it is also a good idea to manage your emotions instead of putting them in control.
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