We all make up stories in our head.
In the absence of information, we fill in the blanks. Hopefully, we own them and check them out with the partner. It doesn’t feel good, and we clarify what we heard, we define terms to make sure we understand.
The goal is usually understanding before correcting them.
“In my head, you told yourself, “It’s okay that I hurt you because
A you deserve it
B my feelings matter more than yours
C I am making a point and that’s more important than your feelings
D your feelings don’t matter to me
E I didn’t realize that you were hurting til just now- let’s talk
F I am okay with hurting, harming and even destroying other people- suck it up
G other, please describe how you justified hurting me”
“I don’t really know how you justified saying what you said, but it really hurt and I don’t understand how you could tell me you like me one moment and then say something like that. It does not fit. Please explain so I can understand your perspective.”
In the absence of information, we fill in the blanks. Hopefully, we own them and check them out with the partner. It doesn’t feel good, and we clarify what we heard, we define terms to make sure we understand.
The goal is usually understanding before correcting them.
“In my head, you told yourself, “It’s okay that I hurt you because
A you deserve it
B my feelings matter more than yours
C I am making a point and that’s more important than your feelings
D your feelings don’t matter to me
E I didn’t realize that you were hurting til just now- let’s talk
F I am okay with hurting, harming and even destroying other people- suck it up
G other, please describe how you justified hurting me”
“I don’t really know how you justified saying what you said, but it really hurt and I don’t understand how you could tell me you like me one moment and then say something like that. It does not fit. Please explain so I can understand your perspective.”
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