Are you able to say, “I’m sorry that you’re in pain”?
Even if you can’t take away the pain, can you empathize with someone else’s pain?
Are you able to listen to it hold space, bear witness without fixing it?
Are you able to care about their feelings?
Do their feelings make a difference to you? Does it matter to you that they are hurting?
Now, imagine that same partner is in pain because of a perception that they had of something that you said, or did. “When you said that, it hurt.”
It does not matter whether they are accurately describing what you said, or did. It doesn’t matter if you were to blame or responsible. They have pain regardless of the reality of the situation.
They have pain because of the story in their head.
Having said that, you may have actually done some thing and you do have responsibility.
Your perspective, or their perspective, could be inaccurate or partially accurate.
If they say they hurt because of something that you did, are you still able to bear witness, hold space, and allow their feelings to be important to you?
Do you feel the need to defend yourself and make it about you instead of about your partner’s feelings?
If you listen to understand and hear them out, they will often be able to correct their misperception, if it is a misperception.
If you invalidate, and try to fix it, or prove them wrong, it feels more like a betrayal, and that you are telling them that your needs are more important than their needs.
Imagine you cannot handle your own feelings when they are expressing their pain and you make it about you.
And then you pile on with blaming them or calling them names while they are expressing their pain.
Yes, your feelings will matter- when it is your turn. Taking turns slows down the potential for drama. You are slowing down the processing because the listener will often glaze over if you talk more than 4 sentences in making your point during an emotional discussion.
Are you able to take turns or does your pain trump theirs?
Is your pain more important every time?
If you take turns, it is often the case that the person who’s talking gets turn number one and the listener gets the second turn.
If the listener cannot listen and tries to take the first turn, it often goes very poorly for the situation.
Talk it through. Maybe they say, “I am really struggling to listen right now. Can I be talker first?”
Be explicit about your needs or even just take a break.
If you want to know more about this, since it is so doggone common- check out talker/listener on my website. Article/handout as well as an audio about it.
It combines multiple ways to prevent unnecessary conflict.
By using the parameters it suggests, you are less likely to get into an unnecessary conflict.
You can therefore remain in conversation instead of argument.