Dear Couples Counselor,
So I realize I am getting out of work early. My wife and I have not connected in awhile. We kinda did yesterday for a bit, so we are on the right track, mostly. I would like to connect with her tonight as it is our normal night for one another. It is our unwritten rule that we hang together and if we get intimate, this is one of our best opportunities and here I am early out of work.
I am looking forward to seeing her, so I let her know that I am on my way. She replies favorably and I get my hopes up. Is this a mistake or is this just trying to let the past be in the past? Is this me being naïve or in denial or is it me cutting slack?
So she knows I am coming home but she is in the middle of a project (late night project) and says she will finish soon, but I can talk with her while she is working on her project. I try talking with her and find that she is just too preoccupied with that and answering texts. I go and do the dishes she made, to lighten the load, do my part etc. Rather than say, “thanks,” she becomes defensive and says, “you don’t have to do that, you know.”
I realize that while she invited me to talk to her and connect while she is doing the project, that is simply not realistic right now. No matter, I go and busy myself. She gets done with her project and gets on the computer to do some work (paid) stuff.
Now, 90 minutes after I came home, she is ready to be done with her stuff. Mind you, it is late night. I am in the shower, still hoping to get lucky, but a bit sweaty. I am trying to make the situation as good as possible.
She falls asleep while I am rubbing her back.
So, I feel like she is selfish, putting her needs and her interests in front of the relationship. Then she falls asleep after postponing physical intimacy yet again. But wait, she wakes up and wants to be intimate. I attempt not feeling insulted and ignored. I pleasure her and she tells me she might not be able to reciprocate in the same way. After what appears to be a good bit of pleasure just on her part, she says she is spent for the night and cannot pleasure me at all.
I try to release expectations. I try to not be resentful.
Perhaps we will connect in the morning.
The next morning she extends her walk by 30 minutes, then comes home and waters the plants. This is often time that we connect. Then she says she is going to jump in the shower. She is making sure she gets everything done while I am there so she can spend as much time with the kids as possible.
I look at things differently. I am doing my best to get those things done so she and I can spend time together.
So she is a wonderful person, no doubt. I think she is awfully insensitive as a wife. I have repeatedly brought these issues to her, she works on them with her counselor. She likes how I bring them up to her, respectfully. I am just about done with trying.
Is this a relationship worth saving?
Dear reader- please let me know your thoughts. I am sometimes overly optimistic about saving a relationship and what is worth saving. What do you think about this? Can you see yourself in this?
So I realize I am getting out of work early. My wife and I have not connected in awhile. We kinda did yesterday for a bit, so we are on the right track, mostly. I would like to connect with her tonight as it is our normal night for one another. It is our unwritten rule that we hang together and if we get intimate, this is one of our best opportunities and here I am early out of work.
I am looking forward to seeing her, so I let her know that I am on my way. She replies favorably and I get my hopes up. Is this a mistake or is this just trying to let the past be in the past? Is this me being naïve or in denial or is it me cutting slack?
So she knows I am coming home but she is in the middle of a project (late night project) and says she will finish soon, but I can talk with her while she is working on her project. I try talking with her and find that she is just too preoccupied with that and answering texts. I go and do the dishes she made, to lighten the load, do my part etc. Rather than say, “thanks,” she becomes defensive and says, “you don’t have to do that, you know.”
I realize that while she invited me to talk to her and connect while she is doing the project, that is simply not realistic right now. No matter, I go and busy myself. She gets done with her project and gets on the computer to do some work (paid) stuff.
Now, 90 minutes after I came home, she is ready to be done with her stuff. Mind you, it is late night. I am in the shower, still hoping to get lucky, but a bit sweaty. I am trying to make the situation as good as possible.
She falls asleep while I am rubbing her back.
So, I feel like she is selfish, putting her needs and her interests in front of the relationship. Then she falls asleep after postponing physical intimacy yet again. But wait, she wakes up and wants to be intimate. I attempt not feeling insulted and ignored. I pleasure her and she tells me she might not be able to reciprocate in the same way. After what appears to be a good bit of pleasure just on her part, she says she is spent for the night and cannot pleasure me at all.
I try to release expectations. I try to not be resentful.
Perhaps we will connect in the morning.
The next morning she extends her walk by 30 minutes, then comes home and waters the plants. This is often time that we connect. Then she says she is going to jump in the shower. She is making sure she gets everything done while I am there so she can spend as much time with the kids as possible.
I look at things differently. I am doing my best to get those things done so she and I can spend time together.
So she is a wonderful person, no doubt. I think she is awfully insensitive as a wife. I have repeatedly brought these issues to her, she works on them with her counselor. She likes how I bring them up to her, respectfully. I am just about done with trying.
Is this a relationship worth saving?
Dear reader- please let me know your thoughts. I am sometimes overly optimistic about saving a relationship and what is worth saving. What do you think about this? Can you see yourself in this?
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