Stan Tatkin Wired for Love
Ch 6
The most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who is interested, and who cares.**
This is our go to person, the one individual we can always count on to be there for you. This is perhaps the most valuable gift you can give your partner. In early childhood, our go to person, hopefully was our primary caregiver.
In adulthood, the go to person should be our primary partner.
It is equal and mutual and symmetric. The idea of tethering is problematic for people who have an anxious attachment or avoidant attachment. If you are an island, you probably don’t believe much in tethering.
You’re good by yourself, and others can be a bother.
“Island” is avoidant attachment.
“Wave” is anxious attachment.
if you are a wave, anxious attachment, you believe in tethering, but it might be rather childish, or one way. I want to be tethered, but I don’t expect it in return or can’t give it in return.
Couples who make it beyond the courtship phase and into a more secure, settled phase, have a more active Rafeh nucleus, where serotonin is produced.
This phase is easily reached by people who have a secure attachment. They were able to readily calm down and relax with one another.
People with anxious or avoidant attachment have a harder time calming down and relaxing with other people. They struggle with how to tether to their partner. Did not easily and willingly serve as go to people for one another. There is an imbalance in the give and take. Yes, this is rooted in childhood experiences and is changeable with new experiences that challenge what we learned growing up.
“As an adult, I get to choose which relationships I am in.”
At least that’s the case for most of us in the western world. We get to choose our partners and how our relationships will function. We can demand that these relationships are fair, that they be just, and that partners be sensitive to our needs. We can also expect that our partners will want to know who we are and everything about us.
Do we actually want someone to know everything about us?
If you’re an island, you probably want some things to be private.
In a secure relationship, maintaining private compartments is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter whether it’s money, sexuality, shameful events, or even any conceivable threat to one’s partner. They agree that they will feel safer and more secure if they fully know one another.
Their goal is for both to be themselves within the relationship.
That might not be possible in the outside world, but they are that way with each other.
Islands and waves often spread themselves among many different people. No one person knows everything about them. Elevating someone to primary attachment status makes that person dangerous. They want to avoid their amygdala running wild.
Ch 6
The most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who is interested, and who cares.**
This is our go to person, the one individual we can always count on to be there for you. This is perhaps the most valuable gift you can give your partner. In early childhood, our go to person, hopefully was our primary caregiver.
In adulthood, the go to person should be our primary partner.
It is equal and mutual and symmetric. The idea of tethering is problematic for people who have an anxious attachment or avoidant attachment. If you are an island, you probably don’t believe much in tethering.
You’re good by yourself, and others can be a bother.
“Island” is avoidant attachment.
“Wave” is anxious attachment.
if you are a wave, anxious attachment, you believe in tethering, but it might be rather childish, or one way. I want to be tethered, but I don’t expect it in return or can’t give it in return.
Couples who make it beyond the courtship phase and into a more secure, settled phase, have a more active Rafeh nucleus, where serotonin is produced.
This phase is easily reached by people who have a secure attachment. They were able to readily calm down and relax with one another.
People with anxious or avoidant attachment have a harder time calming down and relaxing with other people. They struggle with how to tether to their partner. Did not easily and willingly serve as go to people for one another. There is an imbalance in the give and take. Yes, this is rooted in childhood experiences and is changeable with new experiences that challenge what we learned growing up.
“As an adult, I get to choose which relationships I am in.”
At least that’s the case for most of us in the western world. We get to choose our partners and how our relationships will function. We can demand that these relationships are fair, that they be just, and that partners be sensitive to our needs. We can also expect that our partners will want to know who we are and everything about us.
Do we actually want someone to know everything about us?
If you’re an island, you probably want some things to be private.
In a secure relationship, maintaining private compartments is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter whether it’s money, sexuality, shameful events, or even any conceivable threat to one’s partner. They agree that they will feel safer and more secure if they fully know one another.
Their goal is for both to be themselves within the relationship.
That might not be possible in the outside world, but they are that way with each other.
Islands and waves often spread themselves among many different people. No one person knows everything about them. Elevating someone to primary attachment status makes that person dangerous. They want to avoid their amygdala running wild.
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