What is a good husband?

Imagine if you will, a man tells you that he is confused. He continues, saying that he is a good father to his children, a high priority in his life. He communicates really well. He is a good provider in a job that he finds meaningful and does his share around the house, house projects, cooking and cleaning. He has several good close friends and would do anything for them. He goes to church each week, has high moral standards, gives to charity, keeps up on the news, watches a couple hours of sports on TV each week and is an overall nice person. He is intelligent enough and not clueless emotionally.

Sounds like a pretty good guy, doesn’t he? So what is the problem here?

The problem is that he is being told that he is not a good husband. Not being married to him, I have no way of objectively knowing if he is or is not a good husband. He tells me he knows from his wife that he is not a good husband, but cannot answer, “What is a good husband?”

We attempt to tackle the question and answer it objectively and we both realize that there is not a single answer to that question. The answer for the same wife likely will change as they both grow and develop. He has a different answer to that question than she does.

He returns with more answers from her and he is visibly upset. He tells me that there is no man on the planet who is a good husband, given her perspective. As soon as the criteria are met, the bar is raised, the expectations hiked up. At this point he is demoralized, way beyond discouraged. There were so many unwritten expectations that he felt set up by her. That is when it hit him. It is subjective and he himself had many unwritten expectations of himself and her, as well. By the way, we could just as easily have asked the question and substituted "wife" for husband.

Sometimes it can be helpful to review out loud or in writing what you expect. Are your expectations a bit much for any mortal? Are they consistent, attainable, measurable etc? You can set yourself up with your expectations so that everyone you encounter will disappoint you. Watch how and when your expectations shift, as well. Some perfectionists, rather than enjoy their accomplishments, ratchet up the pressure as if to prove that they are not acceptable.

Think about your criticism of your spouse/partner. Is your criticism reality based? Is it truly attainable and can any human maintain it? Do you change expectations when they meet the challenge?

No one, no one enjoys being criticized. Some are more sensitive than others. It is rare that criticism helps the situation, especially if the one being criticized has not asked for it directly.

3-6-14

Quick confession. As a couples counselor, a married person and a man, I find that to be a huge copout!

There, I said it.

Look, if you got past the first date, chances are near 100% that you know how to connect. So let’s deconstruct what you just said-

Are you really saying that you have given up and do not want to connect? You are done? You are just not that into your partner? Are you saying you are too lazy to try? Are you saying you do not want to do any more work than you have to because you are either depressed or overwhelmed?

Keeping it simple, let’s pretend your relationship ended and you have to go back out there on the market again. What would you do? Do those things with your current partner and watch how well you connect. Yes, you would spend time getting to know one another. You would be eager to spend time together and curious about them. You would want to put on your best face, be entertaining and fun. You would go outside your comfort zone in order to make them happy.

Men would focus on, and highlight, their masculinity, humor and intelligence, earning power and ability to advance. Women would focus on, oh, who am I kidding, I don’t speak for women… What would women focus on to attract the guy they want?

Think about it another way- I cannot connect to the Internet. My wi-fi connection is not good. What should I do? You know the basics, right? You would get up and fix it if you could-plug and unplug your router, call the help desk, try something. In some cases, you might need to get a new router or change your Internet provider.




Yes, I am saying that some people are more responsive to their Internet connect than to their spouses!

It had to be said.




Shoot me some ideas of what women focus on to attract the guy they want so I can spread the word.

How do I need to listen differently to make a sale?

How do I handle a complaint?

How do I read between the lines?

How can I tell if someone is literal versus figurative?

What different behavior might I choose when talking with someone who is indirect versus direct?

How am I inadvertently shutting down the conversation?



It is not what you say, it is how you listen, that matters most. And yet, most of us work very hard crafting our message and spend precious little time working on the skill of listening.




In counseling sessions, as well as when I am mentoring/coaching someone, we practice listening. Deep listening, listening to what is not said, listening to things that others miss... We practice clarifying and validating and then I ask people to try it in the "real world."




When they really have it, the feedback they get is amazing and the loyalty from family/customers makes them continue doing it.




May you be an awesome listener!




Oh, and if you would like me to come to your organization and train your management staff how to better listen, I would welcome the challenge. I do a ton of training and this one pays wonderful dividends every single time. 585.802.1273

I am always looking for trends and patterns and trying to wrap my head around them.

Here is the latest in differences in couples:
One person, usually the more masculine of the two, is quite happy with the time spent together and the other is not. There are a range of thresholds for this.

So what is the expectation of time together when you have a relationship. How much time is enough? How much time is too much? How much is not enough?

I have heard stories (not firsthand) of people who live near their spouse, but prefer not to live with them. That way, they get their down time, maybe their styles of keeping house are different and most importantly, they do not have to answer to one another for a million little things. From what I hear, the relationships are more intense, more enjoyable for the people. They get together with their partner when they choose.

I am intrigued by this and would love to hear your ideas of together time for couples, time for self and time as a whole family.

Let me know what you think.

  Use the following to guide you before you get into a conflict, once you get into a conflict and for help getting out of conflict.

1. Demonstrate that you can see the other person’s reality and you do not think they are stupid for their perspective.
2. You do not have to change who you are in order to be acceptable. Neither do they.
3. Remember that I do not always see reality clearly, please help me.
4. Is what I have to say helpful, nice, accurate and is this the right time for me to say it?
5. Explain your experience using an “I statement.” Try doing it with loving kindness. Otherwise, it feels like an attack and your partner will likely not hear you.
6. Let your partner know what you need from them in a way that they can accomplish it versus telling them what is wrong with their personality or what you do not want.
7. Trouble communicating? Try this: When you hear your partner speak, really listen. Make sure you understand what they are saying, clarify if you need to. Walk a mile in their shoes and then validate it. You often become allies when you understand what each other needs. Then and only then is it your turn to be the speaker.
8. When you feel your heart approaching 100 beats per minute, take a time out to cool down and think clearly. Let your partner know that you need a break and will come back and talk about it.
9. It is okay to feel anger and to tell your partner that you are angry. Just know that anger is the second emotion and that hurt, fear or vulnerability is likely the underlying emotion. Try expressing that one instead. It is much, much easier to hear and increases your odds of being heard.
10. When you feel defensive, say so and ask for a moment to get perspective and cool down.
11. Do you want to increase your odds of being listened to? Try talking more calmly, using I statements and without accusing your partner. Compassion, respect and being nice really help.
12. Ask yourself-How can we make this conversation better the next time we talk?
13. Tell your partner, “Honey, I need to talk for about five minutes. You do not need to fix anything, just listen and validate my feelings please.” When they know what to do and how to please you, they have a better chance of being successful.
14. When someone is pulling back because they feel attacked, it is best to let them pull back. If you go in after them, you frequently will frighten them away.

Statements to try:

1. "This would be a good time to validate that I have a right to a different opinion, even if you do not agree with that opinion. And that you still love me even when we have differences."
2. "I am not sure you fully get what I am saying. It could be that I am not explaining myself well. Could you please paraphrase/clarify what you hear me saying?"
3. "I am having a hard time hearing what you have to say right now. Could I ask you to lower your voice or check the tone and use an “I statement” and fully own your experience?"

Someone asked me what are the stages of critical discussion?

1 The disagreement is identified -what exactly are we disagreeing about? If you cannot agree on what the argument is about, you cannot have an effective argument. On what basis are we arguing? Often times, people are arguing three or more points simultaneously. Makes it hard to stay on topic and resolve any of them.

2 Agree on how the disagreement is to be resolved

What is our process? What rules of engagement are there? Do we have rules for arguing? We have rules for wrestling, boxing, even war, why not establish some for disagreements?

3 The positions of each party are explored in as much detail as necessary. If I am not even certain what your point is, how can we proceed? The way you are looking at it might make more sense to me than the way I am looking at it. We do not have to look at it exactly the same way.

4 The disagreement is resolved. (Mutually acceptable position reached. Or no agreement is attainable and we agree to disagree.) Almost 70% of disagreements, according to one statistic I read, will not/cannot be resolved. When we hear the other person out, acknowledge that their argument has merit (don’t even have to agree with it), many arguments simply run out of steam. We have no beef with our partner, they simply have a different point of view- not a big deal most of the time.

This is again information from the course-Effective Argumentation.

Whatever you do, do not be romantic.

Do things that show her that you love her, that you have thought of her, have considered what she likes and does not like.

Do things that demonstrate you "get" her and are willing to follow her love language.

Listen to her.

Tell her or write to her what you appreciate about her, what you would miss if she were not in your life.

Be nice to her.

Consider doing a favor for her.

Consider finishing that project you started. Help around the house without being asked. Get a babysitter for your next date.

Let her influence you on something you both deem important.

Buy her a nice outfit and take her out, showing her off, being proud that she is with you.

Kiss her and rub her back without expecting further intimacy (no strings attached).

But please do not be romantic!

The book, Women's Ways of Knowing, by Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger & Tarule describes a feminine learning style that fits well with women's conversational style. Example: When women hear a new or different idea, they set their doubts and disbelief aside and tune in carefully to what the person is saying; they try to see it from the other person's view point. Women try to understand the other person's opinion as completely and deeply as possible; they cognitively "go with them," wanting to hear the person's views and understand why they think this way. Women seek to make sense of the new idea, to grasp how it can be seen as accurate and useful. This is certainly a "way of knowing" and could be called the "believing approach ." It involves empathizing with the speaker to cooperatively assimilate the truth together, i.e. cooperating. Women effectively use this same listening style when someone has a personal problem.

I am a man and a counselor and I cringe when I see the clash between how men do this and how women do this.

Sometimes I ask myself, "How do they put up with us?"

All the best,
Don

I like entertaining different points of view, especially ones that challenge me. Even if I do not fully agree, the thoughts it stimulates can be helpful. Here is some food for thought.

"Some have contended that our society teaches males to hate females. If so, exactly how is that done? We don't yet know. The Psychoanalysts believe little boys 3 to 6 undergo great turmoil as they must give up their identification with a close, nurturing mother and switch it to a father.
   In this process, boys may be unwittingly taught to dislike, even disdain female (mother's) characteristics in order to give them up; thus, the "hatred" of women's ways (and little girls) may be generated in little boys. Also, in this early process, boys may learn to suppress their urges to show affection (to mother especially) but also that losing intimacy (with mother) can cause great pain; perhaps this is the origin of some grown men's fear of intimacy (Hudson & Jacot, 1992).
     Girls, since they never have to give up their identification with mother, tend to develop a fear of possible separation which results in greater needs for intimate affiliation. On the other hand, girls do have to shift their sexual orientation from a mother-like person to a father-like person, and boys do not. This may help explain boys' greater focus on the female body as a sexual object (more than male bodies being a sexual stimulus for women), boys' greater homophobia, males' greater emphasis on sex and less on closeness, and other differences between male and female sexuality. So, according to Judith Viorst (1986) in Necessary Losses, we all suffered a serious loss (boys giving up Mom as an identification and girls giving up Mom as a sexual object) that has a permanent impact on our personalities."

Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. I want things the way I want them. I have strong preferences and I assume that my way is what is best for me. When I let go of the control, there is no telling how things will work out.

Being out of control can be scary to people, very scary. This often depends on what happened in their past when they were not in control.

Please look at your life and when it is easiest to let go of control and when it is hardest. Do you believe that life works out and things are going to be okay? If you do, you allow them to unfold, to happen organically. If you have had the experience that sometimes life really hurts you, you are more likely to push or pull or somehow manipulate to get your way.

Do a quick inventory of what is challenging in terms of letting go for you.


Of what do I need to let go?

Here are some of the ones I hear the most. I have put them in the masculine form, though I hear the same trends from women:

Closure-issues from my past, hers, ours

Am I still hung up on what’s her name, my first girlfriend?
Am I comparing my wife with ________?
Am I still thinking about you-know-who at inopportune times?
Does my wife know I still have contact with what’s her name?

Can I let go of the difficulty we had when we were first dating, or the miscarriage, the affair, that porn thing, the thing she said about me to her family/friends?

Do I need closure about that guy she was dating before we met, or the time I thought she was having an affair and she denied it, or that time she was traveling and when she got back, she talked in her sleep.

Everyone lets go or else sleep could not happen. We have plenty of practice at letting go. Exercise your letting go muscle and be mindful of what it feels like each time you let go. There can be a freeing quality to it or a sweet surrender.

Here is to a week of experimenting with letting go.

All the best,
Don